How To Say 'No' Tactfully
Hello, and welcome back,
If you find it hard to refuse an invitation, especially if the person who wants you to come along is right there in front of you, you’re not alone. Humans are hard-wired to affiliate, to belong and get along with others. Because of this instinctive tendency, refusing a social invitation feels uncomfortable.
Nonetheless, we all have a ‘socialising comfort zone’ that’s determined primarily by where we are on the extravert-introvert rainbow. If we don’t take the time to consider the overall picture—what else we’ve already booked into our diaries—it’s all too easy to become overloaded and start feeling stressed and exhausted. It’s much better, not just for you but for everyone else who will be at the event, if you have the energy and enthusiasm to really enjoy yourself at the events you do attend.
That takes us back to saying ‘no’. When it’s necessary, what’s the most tactful way to refuse an invitation?
Ask for time.
The first rule is never to make a decision on the spot. That’s because the desire to please the other person will initially over-ride the ability to evaluate how sensible it would be to attend that particular event.
Instead, allow time for your logical powers to kick in. Respond with something like this: ‘Sounds like it’s going to be a great party! Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll have to check my diary. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Again, thanks!’ Then give yourself at least 24 hours before you reply.
Keep it simple.
When we refuse a request, it’s common to try to justify the refusal by offering reasons and excuses.
Please don’t.
Offering specific reasons—you can’t find a babysitter, you have to work an early shift the next day—simply gives the other person ideas about how to challenge you so you’ll change your mind.
Instead, keep it simple: ‘I’m so sorry, but unfortunately I won’t be able to make it. Thanks, though, for asking.’
Create distance.
Because of our need to affiliate, we find it really hard to say ‘no’ to someone directly. If that’s how you’re feeling, use email or text, or leave a phone message when you turn down the invitation. Remember, however, to keep it simple! No excuses, no elaboration. Just ‘no, but thanks’.
If even with these three steps, you don’t feel sure you can say ‘no’ when you want to, do some practice runs. Ask a friend to invite you to an imaginary event, and use the steps above to refuse politely.
Finally, reassure yourself you’re not being disrespectful or ruining other people’s fun. On the contrary, when you limit you social engagement so you can feel certain you’ll have the energy to enjoy each event, everyone at the parties you attend will have a better time.
Until next time, happy partying—not too much and not too little, but just the right amount!
Happy Christmas,
Linda