How to Strengthen Key Relationships
Hello and welcome back,
It’s easy to think that the best way to have a great relationship is to find the right person, your perfect match.
Wrong.
The best way to have a great relationship is to prioritise the ones you have (as long as you feel safe of course), to work on them and to keep working on them—forever.
What’s the best way to do that? The following suggestions apply not only to your relationship with your partner if you have one, but to any relationship that you consider special.
First, prioritise the other person’s needs. If they feel they have to talk to you—even, if possible, if they just want talk to you—put down what you’re doing just as soon as you can and give them your full attention.
Second, be mindful not just of what you say, but how you say it.
John Gottman and his team of relationship experts in America watched a short video clip of newlyweds who’d been asked to discuss an unresolved conflict. Based on this short observation, the researchers were able to predict with 87% accuracy which pairs would separate within four to six years. The team identified five warning signs, all of them about style rather than content. These are: opening the conversation with a negative comment; allowing bursts of intense anger; making it obvious that your anger is rising; failing to offer or acknowledge compromise; and making use of what Gottman refers to as ‘the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (refusing to speak or even look at the other).
Third—and I’ve found this to be key in my clinical work—balance the time you spend together with times when each of you pursues your own enthusiasms. This demonstrates trust, and keeps your relationship fresh and interesting.
Fourth, when you address unresolved differences—and every couple or pair of friends who are honest with one another will differ at times—listen Mindfully. That means listening with your full attention, without interrupting and without passing judgment. And when you think about finding a resolution, expect compromise rather than think win/lose.
Finally, be tolerant with one another. After all, you, too, probably tell the same story over and over again!
I hope this helps you take a fresh look at the relationships you have already, and encourages you to think about ways to improve them.
But enough about humans only! Next week, Caroline will address your all-important relationship with your dog.
Until then, think about ways to make what you already have even better!
Warmest wishes,
Linda